The #1 Rule to Eating (and Enjoying) Frozen Pizza

August 23, 2016 | By | Comments (7)

 

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

 

Let’s set one thing straight–frozen pizza is not a compromise, it’s an opportunity.

An opportunity to eat the pizza you want–nay, deserve!–without navigating yourself through an online ordering system, waiting for the doorbell ring that never seems to come, then scrambling to find cash to tip the delivery person once it finally does.

Here’s the thing–I love pizza. I generally eat it at least once a week, so I kind of consider myself something of an expert on eating pizza. And I will be the first to spell it out for you–there are 3 basic categories of pizza: frozen pizza, delivery pizza, and real pizza. Each is delightful in its own right, when the time is right. That said, in my years of research I have found that even if I am craving delivery pizza or legit brick oven pizza… frozen pizza can satisfy. Part of its satisfaction factor can be attributed to the fact that I didn’t have to leave my apartment or wait for someone else to come to my apartment to enjoy this pizza, and the rest can be attributed to the fact that frozen pizza is always delicious.

As a dear friend and former roommate once said, frozen pizza is what you call a MUP–most underrated player. And that’s mostly because most people don’t know what the hell they’re doing.

 

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

 

So here, the #1 rule for enjoying frozen pizza:
The frozen pizza you buy is not the frozen you eat.

The frozen pizza is but a blank canvas for your customization… You have to legitimize it. You have to make it your own. In other words, you have to doctor it up with fresher ingredients to give it a boost of life. Most any frozen pizza that you purchase will be in need of fresh vegetables and some minced fresh garlic. While you can most definitely use your frozen pizza to serve as a vehicle to meet your highly specific pizza needs, I typically just throw on whatever scraps I have around. Here is a list of common items that you can layer on before baking to exponentially up the quality of your frozen pizza experience:

  • thinly sliced mushrooms
  • roasted peppers
  • arugula or spinach
  • sliced olives
  • minced fresh garlic
  • thinly sliced tomato
  • finely chopped broccoli florets
  • chopped scallions
  • shaved or chopped asparagus
  • thinly sliced red onion
  • fresh oregano
  • fresh basil
  • crumbled goat or feta cheese
  • a sprinkling of fresh grated Parmesan cheese
  • cooked and crumbled bacon
  • anchovies
  • strips of prosciutto
  • some leftover, torn up rotisserie chicken

Those are my suggestions, but I’d love to hear some of your recommendations for how to doctor up a frozen pizza in the comments below. And just in case you need a recipe for this…

 

Highly Enjoyable Frozen Pizza

Ingredients

-1 frozen pizza (brand of your choosing)

-a liberal sense of adventure and enthusiasm

-whatever add-ons you fancy most

Method

1. Combine all ingredients. Bake according to package instructions. Be happy.

 

COMMENTS

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    […] Like many processed food products, sometimes packaged soup needs a hand from the consumer to reach its most edible potential. Especially if the kind soul bringing you soup springs for the fancy organic canned soup, that’s free of msg and astronomical sodium levels, to show that extra little bit of caring. While it was definitely thoughtful of your boo thang to pay the extra buck-fifty for the can that’s less likely to cure your innards (cure like prosciutto, not cure like “heal”), the nice stuff can err towards the bland side–particularly with your dead appetite and impaired palate. A few easy (read: manageable even for your sad, sickly self) tweaks can help. I’ve found that a light sprinkle of salt, freshly ground black pepper, and garlic powder, along with a dainty squeeze of fresh lemon juice can make a world of difference to a meh can of brothy soup, like chicken noodle. Just stir these things in while the soup is heating up. […]

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    […] Like many processed food products, sometimes packaged soup needs a hand from the consumer to reach its most edible potential. Especially if the kind soul bringing you soup springs for the fancy organic canned soup, that’s free of msg and astronomical sodium levels, to show that extra little bit of caring. While it was definitely thoughtful of your boo thang to pay the extra buck-fifty for the can that’s less likely to cure your innards (cure like prosciutto, not cure like “heal”), the nice stuff can err towards the bland side–particularly with your dead appetite and impaired palate. A few easy (read: manageable even for your sad, sickly self) tweaks can help. I’ve found that a light sprinkle of salt, freshly ground black pepper, and garlic powder, along with a dainty squeeze of fresh lemon juice can make a world of difference to a meh can of brothy soup, like chicken noodle. Just stir these things in while the soup is heating up. […]

    November 2, 2016 at 1:55 pm
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    […] Like many processed food products, sometimes packaged soup needs a hand from the consumer to reach its most edible potential. Especially if the kind soul bringing you soup springs for the fancy organic canned soup, that’s free of msg and astronomical sodium levels, to show that extra little bit of caring. While it was definitely thoughtful of your boo thang to pay the extra buck-fifty for the can that’s less likely to cure your innards (cure like prosciutto, not cure like “heal”), the nice stuff can err towards the bland side–particularly with your dead appetite and impaired palate. A few easy (read: manageable even for your sad, sickly self) tweaks can help. I’ve found that a lightsprinkle of salt, freshly ground black pepper, and garlic powder, along with a dainty squeeze of fresh lemon juice can make a world of difference to a meh can of brothy soup, like chicken noodle. Just stir these things in while the soup is heating up. […]

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    […] Like many processed food products, sometimes packaged soup needs a hand from the consumer to reach its most edible potential. Especially if the kind soul bringing you soup springs for the fancy organic canned soup, that’s free of msg and astronomical sodium levels, to show that extra little bit of caring. While it was definitely thoughtful of your boo thang to pay the extra buck-fifty for the can that’s less likely to cure your innards (cure like prosciutto, not cure like “heal”), the nice stuff can err towards the bland side–particularly with your dead appetite and impaired palate. A few easy (read: manageable even for your sad, sickly self) tweaks can help. I’ve found that a light …read more       […]

    November 4, 2016 at 12:57 am

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