Nick Jonas’s “Bacon” is a Disgrace to Actual Bacon

June 8, 2016 | By | Comments (0)

WHO Says Bacon, Sausage And Other Processed Meats Cause CancerPhoto: Getty Images

 

Nick Jonas dropped a single from his soon-to-release album, Last Year Was Complicated, this week titled Bacon. The track has received quite a bit of buzz and has even been called  “the cure for a broken heart.” And to that I say– Nope.

What happened here is that Nick Jonas released the National F*ckboy Anthem and titled it Bacon for consumer appeal. The implications of the song have nothing to do with curing a broken heart or cured meat. The entire poorly written sham is directed towards some chick the narrator thinks is great and really enjoys spending bedtime with… but, oh sorry, even if he gave you the impression he was interested in maybe having something meaningful with you because you’re “perfect,” narrator still loves partying, avoiding the “drama” your “pretty mind” is sure to bring, and of course, “[Aw sh*t] throwing some bacon on it.” Whatever that means.

I honestly had every intention of liking this song. I was excited for it when a colleague first pointed its existence out to me. I mean, it’s a song from one of those Disney kids called Bacon. I figured it’d be a playful-spirited party pop tune that repeatedly refers to “bacon.” I love bacon, I love poppy positivity… I was ready and set to love this song when I pulled it up on Spotify yesterday morning to use it as a get-ready-for-the-day jam. I went in–again, I reiterate, wanting to like it–thinking “OK, this could be catchy…”

About 30 seconds later, I realized, “Wait. Oh no it’s not.”

The “it’s complicated” innuendo in album title and literally everything about this song, leads me to believe that when planning for a new album, Nick Jonas’s “people” must have based every decision they made moving forward on their search results after Googling “dating habits of people born after 1989.”  That’s the only feasible explanation for this giant millennial cliche. I wouldn’t really care if they hadn’t tried to sell this little boy rudeness to the public by hiding behind something as good and pure BACON. That rubs me the wrong way.

*Thankfully,* bacon is strong enough to hold its own even when poorly represented.  Please join me in self-soothing with some real reasons to celebrate bacon:

Like Bacon-Peanut Butter Truffles.

bacon-truffles-sl-x

Or some Bacon-Goat Cheese Jalapeno Poppers.

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Wash it all down with a Bacon Old-Fashioned.

bacon-old-fashioned-oh

OK. I feel better. But in the future, I would love for this Jonas brother to keep in mind:

  • That fronting your proud proclamation that you are a mad-rude, pompous asshole [and any ladies who feel the effect of that need to just deal] with a beloved breakfast meat is not cool.
  • That just because you feature an artist with a dollar $ign in their name does not make you cool or your proclamation above valid.
  •  That “I woke up like this” does not sound cool coming out of your mouth. Son, don’t you go thinking you are anywhere near Beyoncé‘s level.

Also, I still can’t figure out what “Aw sh*t, throw some bacon on it” is actually supposed to mean. Throw bacon on what? I’m all for improving foods with the addition of bacon, but there’s been zero mention of cooking anything up to this point. Is this sexual or just a stating the fact that because he has “no ties” in his life, he can wake up whenever and fry bacon? I don’t see any correlation between this guy’s relationship status and his ability to prepare bacon in his own home. Clearly, I don’t “get it.” If someone out there would be willing to explain this to me, I’d be interested to learn.

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